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It’s time for a 2022 update of this post! Some behaviors have certainly improved, but some have definitely remained the same!
Also, since the time this was last posted, I’ve been permanently banned from Tinder for calling out a guy as a scammer and he legitimately reported me when I caught on to what he was doing. So this post now encompasses a little from Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge.
I’ve interspersed some new tidbits amongst the old, so have fun and get a laugh or two at my expense! Some are stories and some are observations. No names are mentioned.
And, if you’re using dating apps, be a human. Remember that just because a woman gives you her number, that doesn’t mean she wants you to send pics of…you already know.
Ah, February…the month of love.
Ah, Tinder…the app of mostly hot mess expresses and a few pretty decent humans.
In honor of this month of love, and at the request of a few of my friends, I’m giving you all the gifts of my best (worst) exchanges on Tinder. Obviously, no names or photos are going to be shared, but the stories are all true. These people are all real. If you ever wonder why some great women are single, it’s because this is what happens. It’s exhausting.
NOTE: Despite these gems you’re about to read, this is NOT indicative of every person that I encountered on Tinder. Some men were/are some pretty decent humans, so there are a few suitable people. I know plenty of relationships and marriages(!!!) that started from Tinder, so good things do come from it!
“Nothing’s fair in love & Tinder” — I don’t remember who told me this, but it’s the truth.
Without further ado…I give you “The Tinder Tales.”
Cake! Cake! Cake!
This gentleman appeared to be fairly decent and normal based on all the usual indicators – car, job, etc. His pictures even matched his profile! #Winning! Upon my arrival at the restaurant of our choosing, I noticed a very nicely wrapped box on the table. After a few minutes of talking, he pushes the box towards me and it’s cake. Petit fore mini cakes from a fancy bakery at that. He pushes it my way and suggests that I try one. I agree to one bite before the meal, but definitely said that I’d rather wait until after we ate. I go grab a piece and the following unfolded:
Kelsee: [grabs one of the tiny cakes]
He: [pulling the tiny cake out of my hand] “Oh, allow me.” [literally pushes that cake into my lips]
Kelsee: [backs up] “I’m good. I can do it myself.”
He: [pushes cake at me like I’m a baby] “Come on…”
Kelsee: [shaking head] “I’m good for now. I’ll have some later.”
Needless to say, there was NO second date, but I did get a whole box of fancy cake.
“Hey. I’m married”
The marrieds. Enough said. So many married people looking for stuff on the side. Their journey, not mine. Not judging, but that’s not for me. NEXT!
Also, ENM people. I’m looking for one person. Just one. Thanks for your honesty, but I will not be matching with you.
I really think a lot of men have forgotten how to have a normal conversation. Conversations are a two-way street. We ask questions, share a story or anecdote and bounce to the next thing, right? RIGHT?!?!
So many guys like to use the “What do you want to know about me?” question. The response to that is ALWAYS “…literally anything?” I’m having a conversation with you and trying to learn more about you, TELL ME SOMETHING.
Here’s an actual convo bubble of a fun conversation that made absolutely NO sense…like a lot of convos that come from these apps… (I’m obviously the bubbles in gray.)
This one remains a favorite story to tell. Especially because this man keeps appearing in the periphery of my life and when he does, this story inevitably comes up.
Kelsee: [swiping left, left, left, left, right and it’s a match]
He: “12345 Such & Such Street (whatever his home address was)”
Kelsee: “That’s brave, sending your home address first thing. I could be a zombie coming to eat your brain or something.”
He: “I’ve got guns. It’s fine.”
Clearly, that didn’t work out for anyone. I wonder how often that has worked for him.
I Need a Green Card Wife
I wish this wasn’t true, but this event actually happened.
I matched with a man of Indian descent. Everything looked good in the profile – job, well-written, good photos, and it had some personality. It was like a sparkly unicorn profile, so it was good!
We met at the pre-determined location. I notice he’s carrying a very large WEDDING-THEMED gift bag. This is important for the rest of the story. We greet each other, get seated, and he proceeds to tell me that he brought me a gift (it’s in the wedding-themed bag) and I should open it.
What was in this bag? I know you’re curious. Flowers, chocolate, fancy Moscow Mule mugs, a cute notebook, AND A DRESS. Yes, this man bought me a dress. He wasn’t far off on the size, so good on him. But yes, a dress. Obviously, I’m thanking him, in a very awkward way and asking why he brought me all this stuff. His response was, “I’m putting my best foot forward. Let’s order!”
Ordering food was another adventure. He tells me to decide what to order as long as it doesn’t have pork. Uh. Ok. So I end up ordering like 4-5 small plates of stuff for us to try and he proceeds to talk my ear off about his job (what he does, how much money he makes), his living arrangements (and all their roommate drama), and his life back home in India. He doesn’t ask me a single question about myself. None. Nothing whatsoever.
We’re finishing up our food and he just blurts out “I need to marry to stay in the US.” At this point, I’ve put together what he’s done. Gift me something way too excessive, spill his life story to guilt me, and then drop this bomb on me. We get out of this restaurant and I’m doing my damn best to walk the eff back home. He insists on walking me back home. I live in a popular area, so I’ve walked him around a bit so he doesn’t know quite where we’re stopping. Throughout this entire walk home, he’s been telling me all about how much it costs to vacation in places like Thailand, Vietnam, and Bali. Note that he still hasn’t asked a SINGLE THING ABOUT ME. He literally knows NOTHING about me and what I do every day.
We get to the end of this “walk home” and his final words to me were “I’d really love to stay here, so just let me know if we can get married.” Needless to say, about 10 minutes later I texted him a kind “no, thanks” and proceeded to block him.
I CAN NOT MAKE THIS UP. I get a proposal and it’s for a damn green card.
Exotic Pet Collector
Another one that I’ll always remember. Again, another suitable guy that seemed normal. We meet and everything’s ok, no immediate spark, but still quite nice. Nearing the end of the date…
He: “I’d love to introduce you to my pets.”
Kelsee: “Oh, what kind? You better have pictures.”
He: “I definitely do,” [grabs phone]
Kelsee: “I love dogs, but I can’t be around cats.”
He: “Don’t worry, I don’t have any of those. I collect exotic reptiles.” [turns the phone towards me]
I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. There’s definitely someone for everyone and this person was not for me.
Lazy Profile Makers
This gets me. Wouldn’t you want to put the energy into the universe that you are trying to receive in your own life? Some of my favorites are below!
Prompt: “Where to find me at the party:”
…at least write a complete sentence.
Prompt: “I’m looking for:”
…A serious what?
Nothing beats a bold opening. I admire bravery on most days. However, when the opener is “Wanna go halfsies on a bastard child?”, I question a person’s sanity. How is that ok!? Just, WHAT?!
This guy and I actually had a really fun date, but I knew pretty quickly that it wouldn’t get past that one night. We parted ways that night and the next day I was very clear with him that nothing else was going to happen.
His response: “I’m too ugly, right? I like you so much. I’m sorry I’m so ugly. Could you tell me why you think I’m so ugly? Why can’t I ever get past one date?…..”
And he kept having a solo conversation. I never once said he was ugly, so I don’t know where that came from. When the one person conversation didn’t end, I tapped that BLOCK button and that was that. Until…he came back up in my swiping with a new name. Same photos, same profile, new name. I promptly swiped left. #BulletDodged
Ah, yes. These are a special set of men.
When your opening lines are things like:
- “How soon are you looking to have kids?”
- “Pretty girls like you should have lots of babies.”
- “Interested in getting wifed up?”
- “I’m looking to get married and have a kid this year for tax purposes. You in?” — This isn’t a joke. I thought it was. I was mistaken.
…again, I’ll wonder about your sanity and about who taught you manners. CALM THE EFF DOWN. It’s Tinder. Jeebus. It was recurrent enough for me to add “Hey, I’m not interested in having your kids or any kids” to my profile. In closing, Tinder is what it is. Dudes: be classy, use your manners, and don’t be weird. Don’t say anything you wouldn’t say to someone in person. You’ll be halfway there. Have a little respect for everyone. Again, I know not every guy on there is a hot mess, but this is just my experience.
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS: Anyone else have any good stories from swiping? Dear Lord, there are some interesting characters out there and I’d love to read the stories.